I’ve been a Christian for over six years and I’ve attended four retreats since then. It was during my first camp (E>olve) that I decided to be baptized. Being with my discipleship group (d-group), praising and worshiping God, made things look easy for me. But as we went back to Manila, reality hit me. How can I possibly stay spiritually grounded when the world keeps telling me how “fun” it is to be “carefree”. Due to my weakness, I eventually backslided and chose to enjoy life. Years later, I started dating with a non-Christian guy whom I’ve known for years through a common friend. I was enjoying his company that I started to REALLY like him. But the thing is, I wasn’t allowed to have a boyfriend ‘till I reach 21.
Many questions kept me thinking --- Questions like “Is this really what I want” and “How long can I possibly go on with this?” These questions made me decide to attend another retreat (J-zone Dive Summer College Retreat). I felt God’s presence as I recommitted my life to Him. I asked for His forgiveness, promised to go against the flow and obey His will. As I went back to Manila, life became tougher for me as I tried to ignore my feelings for this guy. However, my weakness made me give in easily. Wanting to keep my promise of not having a boyfriend ‘till 21 to my dad, I suggested for a “no commitment” relationship. This was the “only” way that I thought I could keep him and at the same time be an “obedient” daughter (How pathetic!). Time flew in really fast and things became more serious between us. I then found myself finally saying “yes” and committing to our relationship (without my dad’s consent, of course).
I maintained a relationship known only to a few friends, my mom and my brother. Most of the time he’d pick me up in the morning to bring me to school, pick me up after class or take me out on a date or something. He was almost always at our place, helping me out with school stuff and household chores. And yes, he really did make things easier for me. Like any relationship, ours had several bumps along the way, most of which were admittingly due to my immaturity. However, we usually managed to work things out right after. Inevitably, things got really complicated that we had to break up. I was SO used to being with him that I felt like a part of me was taken away. Everything seemed pointless and nothing really made sense. Every waking morning was a nightmare and every single night was torture. As it was in these times that one gets to remember memories you oh so valued and realize that will remain just memories for it meant leaving the past behind.
I was like a wandering soul not knowing where to go. People kept asking me how I was that I grew tired of making them and MYSELF believe that I was ok. Undeniably, how I was, reflected on my grades, my weight and my being distant to my family.
It was during one of our family gatherings that I got to open up to them about what really happened. My uncles, aunts, grandmother and my dad were all ears as I narrated how I kept such a secret from them. In one of those Sunday worships of March 2009, it was announced that thee would be an upcoming retreat. My grandmother, my uncle and my aunt (in the hopes of helping me) all looked at me and asked if I wanted to join. Desperate as I was, I immediately said yes hoping that it would fill my emptiness.
So I went to retreat (Diagnose College Summer Retreat) which was for four days and three nights. There, I learned that God is a God of many chances. In spite of all the sins that we’ve done, no matter how serious it is, He is willing to forgive and offers a new beginning for He is merciful. At times we may stumble but that doesn’t mean w have to stay down. I realized that God allowed me to be broken that I may come running back to Him (where I truly belong). For it is in our trying moments and in our solitude that we remember our prayers. I don’t regret what has happened, ‘coz the WHOLE experience made me mature to face the world with God’s guiding hand. In the end, it was more of a blessing than a curse.
So what was life for me after the retreat? The wounds eventually healed and I was able to move on without the bitterness. But of course, there were A LOT of temptations and I do admit that I’ve given in to most of it. It was soon after that I started to rarely read the Bible, and miss J-zone rationalizing school, thesis, reviewing for exams and the like. I would often pray thinking He’d understand. And the more I did, the more I was pulling myself away from my spiritual life and the more I felt weary.
My grades were so-so, I had no serious problems or anything. Still I felt unhappy with my life. And yes, I attended another retreat (Free J-zone Sembreak Retreat) made possible once again by the help and encouragement of my family. It was somehow disappointing to learn that I would be the only one from our d-group who’d attend. It was more devastating to know that my two only friends were assigned to another group. Meaning I’d have to start all over again. Sharing to the new group made me feel uncomfortable, thinking that it would’ve been easier if it was with my own group. I couldn’t sleep that night not because of the heavy rain that poured but because I was thinking of how he retreat would turn out for me. I found myself in tears as I prayed to God to help me understand what He really wants me to learn from all these. I asked for forgiveness for complaining and for not trying to make an effort. I confessed how empty I was feeling and prayed that I may feel His presence once again.
The next day, at breakfast, our d-group leader announced that due the typhoon, one of the leaders who was scheduled to arrive the same morning wouldn’t make it. By virtue of her absence, the three girls under her would join our group. And to my surprise, my friend was one of them! This was no coincidence. This was God at work.
I was even more blessed with the message about Temptation: Why It’s So Tempting. It was about the truths about temptation, how it works and the seven stages of every temptation. I also learned about the two principles: 1) The Quick Signal Principle where in times of temptation we
should pray and talk to God. 2) The Quick Spit Principle wherein we shouldn’t put ourselves in situations that would make us COMPROMISE, and that playing games and going over the edge would just raise the chances of falling.
The next session was about Sex: The Toughest Temptation. It was about the Lord’s standards of sexual conduct, the Lord’s provision for sexual temptations and the practical principles of handing your sex drive. And this I believe is an area of my life that does not glorify God. As I’ve admitted to my family, there were things that my previous boyfriend and I did that caused me to sin. Things that I should’ve saved for my future partner. So with all these, I learned that before fixing anything in my life, I should first fix my relationship with God. I am imperfect and I am a sinner. But this should not be a reason for me to sin MORE and MORE. Instead, sin LESS and LESS, knowing that Jesus died on the cross for our sins.
The beauty of life lies in its imperfections. We learn to stumble and fall. We make mistakes. But ultimately, it is how we rise from every fall and how we learn from our mistakes. This battle is not just for me but for our loving Father. There’d be people who’d say or even do things that could hurt me but I shouldn’t let myself be affected by it for I am living for God and not for other people. I am her not to impress others but to praise and glorify Him. I have sinned BIG TIME. But I am thankful that God never gave up on me. He patiently guided me and still welcomed me back into His loving arms. He never left me. Though it was painful for Him to watch me stumble and fall, He allowed things to happen to mould me into the person that He wants me to become.
I cannot change the past but I can surely work on the present to make things better for the future. It is truly hard to surrender a hundred percent. For at times WE WANT TO BE IN CONTROL. Bt God knows what’s best for us. He may not give us what we want but that doesn’t mean He doesn’t love us. Its either it’s just not the right time or He’d give us something better than what we asked for. So, as to my love story, I lift it all up to Him. I asked Him to reveal to me my GOD’S BEST when He thinks that I am ready for it. I pray that He’d prepare me for the future THAT I MAY ALSO BE GOD’S BEST FOR THAT PERSON. I am now consistent with my quiet time (reading the Bible) and attending d-group session every Saturdays. Ever since I surrendered my life to Him, things have been going well for me. My mom and my brother now attend Sunday worship with us. Our relationship with our dad has gone a long ay and my grades have improved. Nothing is really impossible if only we trust and obey.
I don’t know what God’s plans are for me, but I trust Him. So whatever it is that He wants me to do, I’d gladly obey for His greater glory.
